...dealing with things by talking...

...it is always a good idea to talk to ur partner about things. then both of u can understand each other well enough and plus its a good way to start ur new relationship and bring it to the new level. that's wat i thought it would be...hehe...

we always talk, me n my boyfriend, we talk things about the past, present and sometimes future...i really love that but then my mind wanders...i opened a very sensitive issues...about our relationship not being serious. i shouldn't have done that...i feel guilty. i kept on saying sorry to him. after the talk, both of us, feel awkward. i feel funny at the same time...i went to the club where he and his band hang out...it feels lyk it's the first time we met. he tried to kiss me, but i avoid...i dunno why the hell did i do that...it is pretty funny...then after the club, we went for supper and he brought his cousin along. he told his cousin that we've broken up and his cousin did not believe it (that's wat he said)...i was shocked to hear it when i did not even know that we've broken up...and as far as i know i did not say that i was giving up. i was very sad that i could not afford to smile as i used to when im sad...im so sad...4 REAL.

he asked me to come to the lobby to hangout with the friends...then i asked for what (which is very stupid question)...then through his facial expression, i know that he is very dissapointed. then i said..."oh, hangout in the lobby is ok but not in ur room...bcoz i thought ur asking me to come to ur room"... then i gave my very best grin...hehe...the reason being i i said that was because i thought that we' ve broken up...well, im makin an ass out of myself...then we hangout eat some fruits then he brought me to his room and massage me...hurm...his good in giving massages...i feel lyk sleeping but i can't...huhu...my parents would kill me immediately. he send me to my car and we kiss... twice! hehe...i just let the time to decide things...at the same time, eyeing for some more...no one can predict any future...but i wouldn't regret to spend my life with him as he is nice... :) but not too nice...and not dat hot either... :(

Guilty as Charged...

day by day...it's worsening. we have walls between us...i dunno whether i can survive this...he has spoken the truth but still i am hurt...should i just back off? im sure it will not hurt him because he has more than one woman to comfort him. the way he talked about her, it is like he really loves this woman n wish that he could be with her. i dun wan to be in their way. bit by bit, im havin a hard time to let him go. things arent goin easy for me. everytime, there must be sumtin that gets in my way and i gave up most of the time. i hav no confidence and i hav no one to turn to...hear me lord, stop making me meeting someone. i feel guilty and never innocent in this situation.

Mr. G called this morning and he told me that he misses me. we talked over the phone for a while. my prayers have been answered as he din win the CLEO thingy...hehe. oooopppsss...naughty me. when we talked, it feels lyk a fren who has not been calling for a long time. i never thought that he really means wat he said. i din miss him for a bit as i get my hands occupied for now. Mr. A thought that i miss him but actually my mind is thinking about a lot of things...him.

...trust...

...yesterday was a friend of mine bday. it was not that fun when things turn to be ugly. i love him...but i did not reach out to him. he told me that he loves me FOR REAL. im not sure dat whether b4 this does he loves me for real...he got drunk...i escorted him to his room and he talked to me as he is sane. he expressed his feelings again...and yup...talks bout marriage. i wonder wat will he do if i say i will...or I DO? i din respond, i just said stop babbling and ur talking nonsense as ur drunk. then he opened his eyes and said "im drunk and i still can remember everything i said." it was a downhill for me...i just happen to know that his new gf was there. i felt embarrassed...i do. i asks myself wat does she has that i dont have...it is sad, but its partly my fault as i din spent more time wit him. and went to kl after three days meeting him. n he kept on blaming himself...

i really like him and love him. its just that trust matters to both of us. maybe i just din give him a chance to prove himself. i will try it, by all means, accept him so that i can trust him. we'll see how it goes. fighting! Jia You!

...yesterday's events....

...yesterday was a very clear day and fine weather, i must say. I went out wit Mr. A, we talked about things, his future...my future...his past and my past...and 1 fact that made me opened my eyes...my eyeballs were about to popped out...but its OK. it's my fault to be far from him...he dun trust me and for sure neither do i...n whenever he utters the word 'love'...i replied every time but the feelings not there...its true, it's hard to accept ur other half when u dun trust him/her.

he told me about his feelings last nite. it made me feel weird n quirky. i must say i enjoyed the time spent together. we held each others hands while walking...i never had that moment before...all of my ex told me dat its an embarrassment to hold hands in public...i told him dat i tink i mite fall for him, but then again i tink it's too soon to say so...i never expected him to express his feelings to me...a very simple girl whom i dun really know myself dat well, unless people tell me so. i dun ave the looks, i dun ave a great skin and im nobody...

im looking for a long-term r/ship and not just a scandal...but everything is too good to be true. every time im looking for the ugly ones to be wit, there's owez the one who has the good looks and women all over them...who wanted to be wit me...i just dun understand sometimes. i wanted some thing simple and nothing special...and every time i get a huge package. it doesn't help me dat much...people told me dat im too young to think about this, but im not getting any younger...i tink my nitemare is coming true...go ahead n shoot me...

my students....

they are such a darling...every single day, i have to put something interesting to teach them...every day, i think about them. then today, i thought of them because im not teaching anymore...huhu...i miss their attitude. always "hey ya, dun want la teacher...hey ya, so many...teacher i want to see my boyfren..." do they think about me when another teacher is teaching them?

does it matter?

sometimes i wonder wats life without my 'prince charming'? how would he look like? is he a nice person...can he be my 'friend' too at the same time? it seems like he will never come...mr.g obviously ran away oready...and mr. A is still in an open relationship. so, im still searching for the one...i wonder would he be thinking about me too rite now? i mean my 'prince charming'...does it matter if i dun hav anyone in the end? does it matter if i wan to be a single mother? does it matter raising ur child solo? everything does matter nowadays...i should stop thinking about men and focus more on myself...fighting!

2 is better than 1?

...when u read the headline of this post, u must've thought about one of the song from boys like girls...i dun really understand the song...is it about two lovers being one? or is it about two boyfrens are better than 1? well, i prefer to have two than one...in searching for the ONE, u must open up and tell them the truth...now, i'm not really sure about my status...in a relationship or not? mr. g wanted me back and we talked about US... i told him about a man who entered my life recently that is mr. A...who was once married and now has separated wit his wife...mr. A is a very nice man, he made me feel happy when i lose mr. g the other day....mr. g and mr. A are very different person. there is a vast differences between these two men...mr. g says im not pretty and im not attractive at all whereas mr. A says that im very beautiful and sexy...some guys just say this to get into the girl's pants but its different with mr. A...when he talks or say stuff to me...he would just look into my eyes and i can feel that he really meant it...but i just get the feeling that he does the same to other women...but im not really sure...mr. g is struggling wit the pregnant lady...STILL. eversince mr. A entered my life...i feel like im worth millions...i dun need mr. g to make me feel secure...i just need my self-confidence and trust my self in doing things...mr. A taught me how to appreciate life. the other day, i invited him to a friend of mine open house...whenever people ask about US...he just said "yeah, we're lovers..." i was shocked but i felt good...and at the same time happy. i must admit that i cried a lot for mr. g that month but eversince i met mr. A...he makes me laugh and smile a lot...i really like him. cant believe im saying dis...but its true. if only mr. g can see that i still have feelings for him...but i dun tink he can...he wanted the time to heal everything...but i dun see any effort being put in...does he really mean it when he wants me back? im still hurt on wat he did to me...but i just say that im fine...i dun wan to complain...i'll just see how it goes. :) mr. A...arigato-gozaimasu!