...it happen again...

mr. A shows who he is...he is a player...i jez texted him about it. i was shocked to find a picture of him with the girl that he says he did not have feelings with. he lied to me and he didn't tell me about it not until i found out in his facebook page that he went with the girl. i tink he sleeps with her because he didn't allow me to go to his room...is der any decent man out there? is lying that good? he said that he hates lies...well that ruined a relationship...

WANTED: friends...

...last night, i talked to Mr. G., he has a lot of problems...he told me that his phone went to the lake for a shower. the pregnant lady threw it...he lost all his contacts. he was very surprised that i called him. usually, when i call him, he will say "Hello, aunty...Eugenia...Mak Cik"...but last night...it was "HELLO?"...then i said to him, "o my God, u deleted my number?"...then he told me about his phone...it's actually his second phone down into the drain...i felt sorry for him. it was all because of the text between me and him that cause him trouble. it's true, im not over him yet...he asked me to curse him, then i told him "what for? is it going to help u and me? if i curse you, it is not going to help me and you...it's enough of what you are facing now." then he keeps on saying sorry as he lets me wait for him...i did not wait for him. i just wanted to make sure that he's okay so that i can move on. i really do love him...how can i move on when he needs support and a shoulder to cry on. i've been lying to myself about my feelings and Mr. A.

...between me and Mr. A., we have feelings that we kept only to ourselves. i dont really like dat...it's like a secret relationship. whenever people asked me about him, i would just say "we're friends...close friends, nothing more"...i am happy whenever he's with me, but something tells me that he's been acting differently lately...he has this cold shoulder when im with him. whenever i call him and he missed it, he usually returns my call...but now, it's not like dat...he just text me...m goin to sleep.luv u.muah....he keeps on denying it when i say dat he acts differently. i feel the heartache...it's my fault to let him down when we had the talk and my drunk ass...makes it difficult more...sometimes, i just wanted to be more normal...cry whenever i want to cry...but i cant! i feel hurt but couldnt let it out...i really hate the things that im facing now...it's not what i wish for and i feel like running away...starting a new chapter...but seriously, im really tired of it...

we all know about our friends' characters...they are there when u need them the most. that is true friends. they will not let you down. i need a shoulder to cry on...whenever i detox myself...my friends are there to keep me occupied...seriously, they are the ones who made me stand tall and make myself better...friends are hard to comeby, so appreciate them... :) love my friends!

...dealing with things by talking...

...it is always a good idea to talk to ur partner about things. then both of u can understand each other well enough and plus its a good way to start ur new relationship and bring it to the new level. that's wat i thought it would be...hehe...

we always talk, me n my boyfriend, we talk things about the past, present and sometimes future...i really love that but then my mind wanders...i opened a very sensitive issues...about our relationship not being serious. i shouldn't have done that...i feel guilty. i kept on saying sorry to him. after the talk, both of us, feel awkward. i feel funny at the same time...i went to the club where he and his band hang out...it feels lyk it's the first time we met. he tried to kiss me, but i avoid...i dunno why the hell did i do that...it is pretty funny...then after the club, we went for supper and he brought his cousin along. he told his cousin that we've broken up and his cousin did not believe it (that's wat he said)...i was shocked to hear it when i did not even know that we've broken up...and as far as i know i did not say that i was giving up. i was very sad that i could not afford to smile as i used to when im sad...im so sad...4 REAL.

he asked me to come to the lobby to hangout with the friends...then i asked for what (which is very stupid question)...then through his facial expression, i know that he is very dissapointed. then i said..."oh, hangout in the lobby is ok but not in ur room...bcoz i thought ur asking me to come to ur room"... then i gave my very best grin...hehe...the reason being i i said that was because i thought that we' ve broken up...well, im makin an ass out of myself...then we hangout eat some fruits then he brought me to his room and massage me...hurm...his good in giving massages...i feel lyk sleeping but i can't...huhu...my parents would kill me immediately. he send me to my car and we kiss... twice! hehe...i just let the time to decide things...at the same time, eyeing for some more...no one can predict any future...but i wouldn't regret to spend my life with him as he is nice... :) but not too nice...and not dat hot either... :(

Guilty as Charged...

day by day...it's worsening. we have walls between us...i dunno whether i can survive this...he has spoken the truth but still i am hurt...should i just back off? im sure it will not hurt him because he has more than one woman to comfort him. the way he talked about her, it is like he really loves this woman n wish that he could be with her. i dun wan to be in their way. bit by bit, im havin a hard time to let him go. things arent goin easy for me. everytime, there must be sumtin that gets in my way and i gave up most of the time. i hav no confidence and i hav no one to turn to...hear me lord, stop making me meeting someone. i feel guilty and never innocent in this situation.

Mr. G called this morning and he told me that he misses me. we talked over the phone for a while. my prayers have been answered as he din win the CLEO thingy...hehe. oooopppsss...naughty me. when we talked, it feels lyk a fren who has not been calling for a long time. i never thought that he really means wat he said. i din miss him for a bit as i get my hands occupied for now. Mr. A thought that i miss him but actually my mind is thinking about a lot of things...him.

...trust...

...yesterday was a friend of mine bday. it was not that fun when things turn to be ugly. i love him...but i did not reach out to him. he told me that he loves me FOR REAL. im not sure dat whether b4 this does he loves me for real...he got drunk...i escorted him to his room and he talked to me as he is sane. he expressed his feelings again...and yup...talks bout marriage. i wonder wat will he do if i say i will...or I DO? i din respond, i just said stop babbling and ur talking nonsense as ur drunk. then he opened his eyes and said "im drunk and i still can remember everything i said." it was a downhill for me...i just happen to know that his new gf was there. i felt embarrassed...i do. i asks myself wat does she has that i dont have...it is sad, but its partly my fault as i din spent more time wit him. and went to kl after three days meeting him. n he kept on blaming himself...

i really like him and love him. its just that trust matters to both of us. maybe i just din give him a chance to prove himself. i will try it, by all means, accept him so that i can trust him. we'll see how it goes. fighting! Jia You!

...yesterday's events....

...yesterday was a very clear day and fine weather, i must say. I went out wit Mr. A, we talked about things, his future...my future...his past and my past...and 1 fact that made me opened my eyes...my eyeballs were about to popped out...but its OK. it's my fault to be far from him...he dun trust me and for sure neither do i...n whenever he utters the word 'love'...i replied every time but the feelings not there...its true, it's hard to accept ur other half when u dun trust him/her.

he told me about his feelings last nite. it made me feel weird n quirky. i must say i enjoyed the time spent together. we held each others hands while walking...i never had that moment before...all of my ex told me dat its an embarrassment to hold hands in public...i told him dat i tink i mite fall for him, but then again i tink it's too soon to say so...i never expected him to express his feelings to me...a very simple girl whom i dun really know myself dat well, unless people tell me so. i dun ave the looks, i dun ave a great skin and im nobody...

im looking for a long-term r/ship and not just a scandal...but everything is too good to be true. every time im looking for the ugly ones to be wit, there's owez the one who has the good looks and women all over them...who wanted to be wit me...i just dun understand sometimes. i wanted some thing simple and nothing special...and every time i get a huge package. it doesn't help me dat much...people told me dat im too young to think about this, but im not getting any younger...i tink my nitemare is coming true...go ahead n shoot me...

my students....

they are such a darling...every single day, i have to put something interesting to teach them...every day, i think about them. then today, i thought of them because im not teaching anymore...huhu...i miss their attitude. always "hey ya, dun want la teacher...hey ya, so many...teacher i want to see my boyfren..." do they think about me when another teacher is teaching them?