...Marriage...

Happy New Year! It's been a year since I last write on this blog. Well, my Prince Charming has finally arrived! Relax, hold on to ur chairs. Will not tell u how we've met yet. Just wanted to tell u that i have a daughter and a husband and no longer whining and talking about being a single parent. Everything happened so fast and in a blink of an eye I have my own family.

My husband is not too good looking but he has the height and the brain. He also is a fine old man (hehe) when it comes to talking. He's funny and witty. My daughter, she's really a handful. Needs her parents to caress her 24/7 which is now my break time from her. But she's my little angel and she's perfect just as what my husband said. 

I'm currently suffering now from the cesarean. I can't walk properly or as fast as I used to. I am fat and ugly. How I wish I can make the time pass as fast as it can...I hate the confinement month. Everyday chicken soup until it's hard for me to have my appetite. Every night my stomach's churning as if I did not eat the whole day. If u'd asked me, no more kids. My God...9 months of controlling ur food and a month of jail makes u crazy...another 2 months will be taking care of ur baby and not enough sleep. This is what I asked for...then I have to accept my fate. 

Till then...my butt and my knees are killing me with this weight! Urgh!!!!

...embarrasment...

To everyone who wouldn't want to go through of the things that I had gone through recently. Everytime when there's a private number or anonymous number calling I would be very careful and ask who is it....but then this call made me feel or look stupid.

I have received a call from Astro last 2 weeks ago asking me to come to KL for an interview but then i told them 'NO' because the interview is 3 days away and i don't have enough money to buy ticket to fly. So then i thought they would never call again.

Last week was October. It was the month of Octoberfest where people drink till they're dying or drink like there' no tomorrow. It was on Saturday evening at 8pm...as I was getting ready to go out with a friend of mine, there's a call from a private number. I t goes like this:

Me : Hello?

Him : Hello? R u Eugenia Ida Edward?

Me : Yes.

Him : Do you still remember me?

Me : (Trying hard to listen to the familiar voice and suddenly noticed that I actually know who he is) What the hell?! Of coz I know who you are! U're Kucai! My God, how are u?!

Him : (Sounds puzzled) Im fine Thank u. U're Eugenia Ida Edward, right?

Me : Of Coz la. Y u kept on asking me that? Crazy o u. Hey, do you want to join me? i'm goin to October fest. Let's go there. It'll be fun!

Him : What do they have there?

Me : Lots! beer drinking sessions and music! Let's go there.

Him : Where is it?

Me : Waterfront! U should come....

Him : Where is it?

Me : U mean u don't know where's waterfront? My God...r u crazy? it's in kk...Then after that i'll bring you to penampang so that u know where to find me later. we're going to the clubs in penampang.

Him : what do they have there?

Me : Band la! and then we dance!

Him : Eugenia Ida Edward....I'm so sorry to tell you this...I'm not your friend.

Me : What d'u mean? Kucai...r u ok?

Him : My name's Alex...I'm not Kucai...You're friend. Im calling from Astro. We are calling you to inform you that you are qualified to be a part of our team in customer service....

Me : (My jaw drop like it'll never close....) I'm really really sorry....!

....since that incident i'll never assume anyone. My God i feel so embarrass although we're not dealing face 2 face but i can feel that he'll never call me again by asking do you remember me? what kind of company would like to call at night and on saturday evening some more. crazy!

at the end of our onversation....he managed to tell me to have fun and enjoy my night on the octoberfest...that went awkwardly.

Hi...I have a confession...

I have a confession...NO, I DIDN'T KILL SOMEONE!

...my confession is that i've met a new man. I mean new...a very very new one...even the plastic hasn't been peeled off from him. Well...as usual...he broke my heart into pieces. We went out many times...four or five times in this month...as we've known each other for only a month. He didn't make any promises to me to be with me...but his body language told me that he really wanted to be with me. I don't really understand it.

Now...he went to somewhere where his ex is...n he didn't even tell me that he's goin there...again i've been lied. He's not cheating on me...but i think he and the gf is still together. I pity the gf for having this man. Why does my life being surrounded by insincere man...

I started to like him but he did this to me...but nevermind. I'm no longer his colleague...it's tiring to cry everynight for him...but now i know the truth...it's ok. Hope my new day will begin when i'm in my new job...

...if u dun want to....

...if u dont want to dwell in your past and history life just dont go back to the path that u were once there. and please stop reading anything i've put in my blog. i mind my own business and u mind yours. sorry that things doesnt go as we please but i have to accept that i wont and cannot be with you. it's either me or you that has to be cruel so that we can end something that we've started. calling me with a tone that is not likely to be nice...and asking me how am i and suddenly thrust things that u will never understand. u're partly blaming everything on me but never even once look at yourself. perfection is never owned or gained by anyone, only you yourself can judge urself n not others. may God bless you...through your journey.

...back to square one...

...lies are always there when u do not need them. i wonder what would it be like to be with someone without any lies? i admit it that i do, too, uses lies to protect myself and ended up trapping myself. my new partner...he is the one who does not like planning. he is the one who likes to do one go...but ended up...not one thing has gone according to plan but ends up in the trash.

i  was frustrated that the trip has been cancelled and the car that he ordered until now no news. i think i, myself, has to do something to earn a car for myself. i was very stupid to do thing according to what he must say. i should do things what i'm better doing at. i feel very stupid waiting for a man to give me money and actually believe in him. GOD, i was stupid. life is never that pleasant. now i know how i should do things.

i should collect all the job offer that i can get and head on to my life. i need money. that should motivate me...No men can stop me from pursuing my destiny...

i feel like the world's been infected when u left me...

You lost me...

...endless miserable happiness...

...i thought that things could be better everyday. wish is just a wish, just to build a hope that will never happen. i am happy to have a boyfriend who maybe thinks that i  changed which i am just occupied with things around me. he changes too as he thinks about lots of stuff inside his head everyday about me. i knew that this day would come.

the thing about love is...it fades time to time. if there is no chemistry, leave it. if you thought there is something, it does not hurt to try but just do not let urself being fooled by it. i don't know my state right now, i am not happy and i am always miserable. going to the club is one of my ways to release the tension and misery...but he thought that i am looking for men. this is part of the reasons that i dont understand but it happens to everyone who is still a rookie. i am immune as i don't know the definition of love. when u love someone they corrupt ur freedom and ur mind. i hope no one is living a life just like mine. it sucks bad time.

What a bitch! Totally a scragg!

...i never know that she is that sort of bitch. i should not have trusted her. My god! this is what you get when u try to help someone who is ignorant. i hope God can show her something but it is too late to reconcile the friendship that we have built.

...wondering how and why?

...a very brave little puppy...

...he is very strong...he has survived for a week...he is paralyze. he can't move and he can't breast feed from his mom. my brother and sister made milk for him everyday so that it can live. i feel pity for this puppy. even the mom does not care about him. my brother bought a baby bottle to feed him milk with.

it is very surprising that he still lives. i hope that one day he can walk...and be  normal like other dogs. that's what i'm wishin for one day. i hope he stay for a long time...i'd b sad if he give up now. :(

beautiful nitemare...

i always thought of my life as a beautiful nitemare...love ones come n go but never one sticks. i was happy when i am with the man that i really love and cherished. None of that will be forever...everything is temporary. when they break the news about they love someone else, it crashes me into pieces...but whatever it is, i have to give the man that i once thought was mine a smile and say "it's okay, i am fine and it is normal. i won't force u. u take care".

i dun really know wat is it with me that attracts men that much...i think i should just keep quiet n smile. whenever i met a man that i want to be with...i never want to leave him. if it's a dream...i just hope that i stay in this dream not knowing it's goin to be bad in the end....life is beautiful nitemare...u want to control it but u never have the power to do it. every beautiful things that u dreamt of will dissapear once u open ur eyes...

Pea-COCK

I went to the MTV World Stage concert…it was indeed FUN! I really love to see VJ Utt. He is very very handsome! The performances of the artist are fantabulous! It is only because of the rains that made trhe fans go haywire…I’ve been standing in the rain for 7 hours. Alas, the performances were great and that made our day.

Katy Perry understands the dress code and she wore a tight pink jumpsuit with a tutu. She is GREAT! She did sing a new single from her new album entitled ‘Peacock’…it was her last song on that day…she says…

Katy : Are you guys up for my new single?
Audience: YEAH!!!
Katy: I don’t know if you guys like it or not…because I never sing this single before. It’s not that special. Anyway, it’s only about a bird. So, here it is ‘Peacock’
…(as she sings till the chorus)

Chorus…I sang along…
LET ME SEE YOUR PEACOCK…COCK…COCK…COCK
YOU PEACOCK…COCK…COC….
Then I automatically stop…is this your definition of a bird (I asked myself)? Then I looked at everyone as they sing along, I guess they did not notice about the lyrics. I am ashamed. But it is a very nice song…I enjoyed it. Thank god, no one shows their little cock!

I am attached to a thing called INSOMNIA

I hate it! My mind keep on thinking about my assignments…thank you mystery guy for not revealing who u are, I don’t think about any guy anymore. Just my assignments…sometimes, when I am done with one assignment, my heart is restless and think about the next assignment. God…help me! I avoid coffee as much as I can, as I will only take it in the morning and not in the afternoon or evening as it will not help me much in getting some sleep.

I am back to my cross-stitching again because most of my time I don’t know what to do…but I get to watch tv a lot and hangout with my friends…that will put my heart to ease. Blogging…people usually tease others in their blogs or throw a tantrum here but for me…I’m telling people that I have a lame life but I am still breathing until today as I challenge some lame obstacles whether I like it or not…some instantly commit suicide if they feel they are worthless. I’m on the other hand feels worthless but I don’t think committing suicide is for me…eewww…

I’d like to have shopping spree as a hobby (if I were to be a billionaire) but never really knows where money comes from. For sure, it will never grow on trees. When I was a kid, I always thought that money grows from trees. I love money…well, who doesn’t? I shopped a lot this semester…because I didn’t get the chance to shop last semester. This is probably revenge… J… my parents have a shortage on money nowadays because they spent a lot on their hobbies such as my dad…his hobbies are hunting and fishing…the gears and equipments for both hobbies are not cheap….my mom…tuck herself into a chair and hope luck is on her side… and yell JACKPOT!!!!...if she’s lucky. Now I know where I got my addiction from…both sides. I am a shopaholic…

I went to Stadium Melawati…(did I spell it correctly?) anyway…I went there hoping that I get to buy my cosmetic but sadly the products sold was a disappointment. I sacrificed some panties and 1 bra…it costs like RM21++…because I bought two bottles of fragrance cost like RM80…phew, tough choice…I waited for my friend buying her lingerie…I wonder if she can fit in it…it’s cheap anyway…she can owez buy more. Previously it was grandma’s panties and now it’s Jessica Alba’s panties…all I can say is MUFFIN!

GEELICIOUS...signing off!

...busy life...

...my new chapter has begun. it started at about three weeks ago, i guess. my life is not as miserable as what my friends thought it would be...it's kind of, slow and enjoyable. Mr. A and i still contacting each other just like friends...Az still text me within 2 weeks time. that's the guys stories...

every day i get back home and i will take my fresh shower...then straight to bed. i've been living my life like a busy person...although i don't have anything to do, i will find something to keep me occupy. i can't make myself free because my mind would think of some negative thoughts and i wouldn't like it. i wonder how would it feel if i tell my mum that i really want to be a single parent...it must be a jaw dropping event for my mum. my dad? heart-attack!

i have a class on Women in Literature...it is so far my favourite subject as i could put myself in all the characters' shoe...it is somehow and sometimes reflects me in all of my relationships that i had with my exes...it's kind of fun to put my thoughts into it and being agreed on...hehe.

my friends on the other hand have lots going on with them...some with an untrusted MEN, some have doubts within themselves...

my past experience help me a lot although it really puts me into a lot of trouble but it always put my feet back on the ground. so far, im enjoying what i have and had...i love the new chapter that im in right now...geelicious!

...curiousity kills a cat...

I'm shocked to hear about a cat's death in front of the house door at the house that i rented with my colleagues. the thing is my shoe is on top of it...i know that i hate cats...but i wouldn't want to kill it. my life is full of curiousity and i might end up like the cat.

i've tried a lot of things to be with someone that i really love but not even one sticks. maybe it's just me who don't have any fate with men. for me, it's not easy to trust guys, i can love them but not whole-heartedly because it's hard for me to trust them. i've been lied to a lot of times and everytime it hurts but i never once tell the men dat i've been with dat im hurt with wat they did to me. i just told them..."I'm fine and u don't need to worry about me because i'm strong than any woman u've dated with (with a big smile on my face)"..."don't need to worry about me because as long as ur happy, i'm happy!"...it kills me when i said those words...but i rather see them happy with someone they've chosen..besides, i can't force someone to love me...it's just wrong.

everytime i'm sad, i will seek my friends to mend everything. they make me laugh and forget about the bitterness...well, life's too short for us not to enjoy it. now, i'm livin my life just like a rockstar! hehe....

i swear i'll never fall in love again!

...it happen again...

mr. A shows who he is...he is a player...i jez texted him about it. i was shocked to find a picture of him with the girl that he says he did not have feelings with. he lied to me and he didn't tell me about it not until i found out in his facebook page that he went with the girl. i tink he sleeps with her because he didn't allow me to go to his room...is der any decent man out there? is lying that good? he said that he hates lies...well that ruined a relationship...

WANTED: friends...

...last night, i talked to Mr. G., he has a lot of problems...he told me that his phone went to the lake for a shower. the pregnant lady threw it...he lost all his contacts. he was very surprised that i called him. usually, when i call him, he will say "Hello, aunty...Eugenia...Mak Cik"...but last night...it was "HELLO?"...then i said to him, "o my God, u deleted my number?"...then he told me about his phone...it's actually his second phone down into the drain...i felt sorry for him. it was all because of the text between me and him that cause him trouble. it's true, im not over him yet...he asked me to curse him, then i told him "what for? is it going to help u and me? if i curse you, it is not going to help me and you...it's enough of what you are facing now." then he keeps on saying sorry as he lets me wait for him...i did not wait for him. i just wanted to make sure that he's okay so that i can move on. i really do love him...how can i move on when he needs support and a shoulder to cry on. i've been lying to myself about my feelings and Mr. A.

...between me and Mr. A., we have feelings that we kept only to ourselves. i dont really like dat...it's like a secret relationship. whenever people asked me about him, i would just say "we're friends...close friends, nothing more"...i am happy whenever he's with me, but something tells me that he's been acting differently lately...he has this cold shoulder when im with him. whenever i call him and he missed it, he usually returns my call...but now, it's not like dat...he just text me...m goin to sleep.luv u.muah....he keeps on denying it when i say dat he acts differently. i feel the heartache...it's my fault to let him down when we had the talk and my drunk ass...makes it difficult more...sometimes, i just wanted to be more normal...cry whenever i want to cry...but i cant! i feel hurt but couldnt let it out...i really hate the things that im facing now...it's not what i wish for and i feel like running away...starting a new chapter...but seriously, im really tired of it...

we all know about our friends' characters...they are there when u need them the most. that is true friends. they will not let you down. i need a shoulder to cry on...whenever i detox myself...my friends are there to keep me occupied...seriously, they are the ones who made me stand tall and make myself better...friends are hard to comeby, so appreciate them... :) love my friends!

...dealing with things by talking...

...it is always a good idea to talk to ur partner about things. then both of u can understand each other well enough and plus its a good way to start ur new relationship and bring it to the new level. that's wat i thought it would be...hehe...

we always talk, me n my boyfriend, we talk things about the past, present and sometimes future...i really love that but then my mind wanders...i opened a very sensitive issues...about our relationship not being serious. i shouldn't have done that...i feel guilty. i kept on saying sorry to him. after the talk, both of us, feel awkward. i feel funny at the same time...i went to the club where he and his band hang out...it feels lyk it's the first time we met. he tried to kiss me, but i avoid...i dunno why the hell did i do that...it is pretty funny...then after the club, we went for supper and he brought his cousin along. he told his cousin that we've broken up and his cousin did not believe it (that's wat he said)...i was shocked to hear it when i did not even know that we've broken up...and as far as i know i did not say that i was giving up. i was very sad that i could not afford to smile as i used to when im sad...im so sad...4 REAL.

he asked me to come to the lobby to hangout with the friends...then i asked for what (which is very stupid question)...then through his facial expression, i know that he is very dissapointed. then i said..."oh, hangout in the lobby is ok but not in ur room...bcoz i thought ur asking me to come to ur room"... then i gave my very best grin...hehe...the reason being i i said that was because i thought that we' ve broken up...well, im makin an ass out of myself...then we hangout eat some fruits then he brought me to his room and massage me...hurm...his good in giving massages...i feel lyk sleeping but i can't...huhu...my parents would kill me immediately. he send me to my car and we kiss... twice! hehe...i just let the time to decide things...at the same time, eyeing for some more...no one can predict any future...but i wouldn't regret to spend my life with him as he is nice... :) but not too nice...and not dat hot either... :(

Guilty as Charged...

day by day...it's worsening. we have walls between us...i dunno whether i can survive this...he has spoken the truth but still i am hurt...should i just back off? im sure it will not hurt him because he has more than one woman to comfort him. the way he talked about her, it is like he really loves this woman n wish that he could be with her. i dun wan to be in their way. bit by bit, im havin a hard time to let him go. things arent goin easy for me. everytime, there must be sumtin that gets in my way and i gave up most of the time. i hav no confidence and i hav no one to turn to...hear me lord, stop making me meeting someone. i feel guilty and never innocent in this situation.

Mr. G called this morning and he told me that he misses me. we talked over the phone for a while. my prayers have been answered as he din win the CLEO thingy...hehe. oooopppsss...naughty me. when we talked, it feels lyk a fren who has not been calling for a long time. i never thought that he really means wat he said. i din miss him for a bit as i get my hands occupied for now. Mr. A thought that i miss him but actually my mind is thinking about a lot of things...him.

...trust...

...yesterday was a friend of mine bday. it was not that fun when things turn to be ugly. i love him...but i did not reach out to him. he told me that he loves me FOR REAL. im not sure dat whether b4 this does he loves me for real...he got drunk...i escorted him to his room and he talked to me as he is sane. he expressed his feelings again...and yup...talks bout marriage. i wonder wat will he do if i say i will...or I DO? i din respond, i just said stop babbling and ur talking nonsense as ur drunk. then he opened his eyes and said "im drunk and i still can remember everything i said." it was a downhill for me...i just happen to know that his new gf was there. i felt embarrassed...i do. i asks myself wat does she has that i dont have...it is sad, but its partly my fault as i din spent more time wit him. and went to kl after three days meeting him. n he kept on blaming himself...

i really like him and love him. its just that trust matters to both of us. maybe i just din give him a chance to prove himself. i will try it, by all means, accept him so that i can trust him. we'll see how it goes. fighting! Jia You!