i feel like the world's been infected when u left me...

You lost me...

...endless miserable happiness...

...i thought that things could be better everyday. wish is just a wish, just to build a hope that will never happen. i am happy to have a boyfriend who maybe thinks that i  changed which i am just occupied with things around me. he changes too as he thinks about lots of stuff inside his head everyday about me. i knew that this day would come.

the thing about love is...it fades time to time. if there is no chemistry, leave it. if you thought there is something, it does not hurt to try but just do not let urself being fooled by it. i don't know my state right now, i am not happy and i am always miserable. going to the club is one of my ways to release the tension and misery...but he thought that i am looking for men. this is part of the reasons that i dont understand but it happens to everyone who is still a rookie. i am immune as i don't know the definition of love. when u love someone they corrupt ur freedom and ur mind. i hope no one is living a life just like mine. it sucks bad time.

What a bitch! Totally a scragg!

...i never know that she is that sort of bitch. i should not have trusted her. My god! this is what you get when u try to help someone who is ignorant. i hope God can show her something but it is too late to reconcile the friendship that we have built.

...wondering how and why?

...a very brave little puppy...

...he is very strong...he has survived for a week...he is paralyze. he can't move and he can't breast feed from his mom. my brother and sister made milk for him everyday so that it can live. i feel pity for this puppy. even the mom does not care about him. my brother bought a baby bottle to feed him milk with.

it is very surprising that he still lives. i hope that one day he can walk...and be  normal like other dogs. that's what i'm wishin for one day. i hope he stay for a long time...i'd b sad if he give up now. :(

beautiful nitemare...

i always thought of my life as a beautiful nitemare...love ones come n go but never one sticks. i was happy when i am with the man that i really love and cherished. None of that will be forever...everything is temporary. when they break the news about they love someone else, it crashes me into pieces...but whatever it is, i have to give the man that i once thought was mine a smile and say "it's okay, i am fine and it is normal. i won't force u. u take care".

i dun really know wat is it with me that attracts men that much...i think i should just keep quiet n smile. whenever i met a man that i want to be with...i never want to leave him. if it's a dream...i just hope that i stay in this dream not knowing it's goin to be bad in the end....life is beautiful nitemare...u want to control it but u never have the power to do it. every beautiful things that u dreamt of will dissapear once u open ur eyes...

Pea-COCK

I went to the MTV World Stage concert…it was indeed FUN! I really love to see VJ Utt. He is very very handsome! The performances of the artist are fantabulous! It is only because of the rains that made trhe fans go haywire…I’ve been standing in the rain for 7 hours. Alas, the performances were great and that made our day.

Katy Perry understands the dress code and she wore a tight pink jumpsuit with a tutu. She is GREAT! She did sing a new single from her new album entitled ‘Peacock’…it was her last song on that day…she says…

Katy : Are you guys up for my new single?
Audience: YEAH!!!
Katy: I don’t know if you guys like it or not…because I never sing this single before. It’s not that special. Anyway, it’s only about a bird. So, here it is ‘Peacock’
…(as she sings till the chorus)

Chorus…I sang along…
LET ME SEE YOUR PEACOCK…COCK…COCK…COCK
YOU PEACOCK…COCK…COC….
Then I automatically stop…is this your definition of a bird (I asked myself)? Then I looked at everyone as they sing along, I guess they did not notice about the lyrics. I am ashamed. But it is a very nice song…I enjoyed it. Thank god, no one shows their little cock!

I am attached to a thing called INSOMNIA

I hate it! My mind keep on thinking about my assignments…thank you mystery guy for not revealing who u are, I don’t think about any guy anymore. Just my assignments…sometimes, when I am done with one assignment, my heart is restless and think about the next assignment. God…help me! I avoid coffee as much as I can, as I will only take it in the morning and not in the afternoon or evening as it will not help me much in getting some sleep.

I am back to my cross-stitching again because most of my time I don’t know what to do…but I get to watch tv a lot and hangout with my friends…that will put my heart to ease. Blogging…people usually tease others in their blogs or throw a tantrum here but for me…I’m telling people that I have a lame life but I am still breathing until today as I challenge some lame obstacles whether I like it or not…some instantly commit suicide if they feel they are worthless. I’m on the other hand feels worthless but I don’t think committing suicide is for me…eewww…

I’d like to have shopping spree as a hobby (if I were to be a billionaire) but never really knows where money comes from. For sure, it will never grow on trees. When I was a kid, I always thought that money grows from trees. I love money…well, who doesn’t? I shopped a lot this semester…because I didn’t get the chance to shop last semester. This is probably revenge… J… my parents have a shortage on money nowadays because they spent a lot on their hobbies such as my dad…his hobbies are hunting and fishing…the gears and equipments for both hobbies are not cheap….my mom…tuck herself into a chair and hope luck is on her side… and yell JACKPOT!!!!...if she’s lucky. Now I know where I got my addiction from…both sides. I am a shopaholic…

I went to Stadium Melawati…(did I spell it correctly?) anyway…I went there hoping that I get to buy my cosmetic but sadly the products sold was a disappointment. I sacrificed some panties and 1 bra…it costs like RM21++…because I bought two bottles of fragrance cost like RM80…phew, tough choice…I waited for my friend buying her lingerie…I wonder if she can fit in it…it’s cheap anyway…she can owez buy more. Previously it was grandma’s panties and now it’s Jessica Alba’s panties…all I can say is MUFFIN!

GEELICIOUS...signing off!

...busy life...

...my new chapter has begun. it started at about three weeks ago, i guess. my life is not as miserable as what my friends thought it would be...it's kind of, slow and enjoyable. Mr. A and i still contacting each other just like friends...Az still text me within 2 weeks time. that's the guys stories...

every day i get back home and i will take my fresh shower...then straight to bed. i've been living my life like a busy person...although i don't have anything to do, i will find something to keep me occupy. i can't make myself free because my mind would think of some negative thoughts and i wouldn't like it. i wonder how would it feel if i tell my mum that i really want to be a single parent...it must be a jaw dropping event for my mum. my dad? heart-attack!

i have a class on Women in Literature...it is so far my favourite subject as i could put myself in all the characters' shoe...it is somehow and sometimes reflects me in all of my relationships that i had with my exes...it's kind of fun to put my thoughts into it and being agreed on...hehe.

my friends on the other hand have lots going on with them...some with an untrusted MEN, some have doubts within themselves...

my past experience help me a lot although it really puts me into a lot of trouble but it always put my feet back on the ground. so far, im enjoying what i have and had...i love the new chapter that im in right now...geelicious!

...curiousity kills a cat...

I'm shocked to hear about a cat's death in front of the house door at the house that i rented with my colleagues. the thing is my shoe is on top of it...i know that i hate cats...but i wouldn't want to kill it. my life is full of curiousity and i might end up like the cat.

i've tried a lot of things to be with someone that i really love but not even one sticks. maybe it's just me who don't have any fate with men. for me, it's not easy to trust guys, i can love them but not whole-heartedly because it's hard for me to trust them. i've been lied to a lot of times and everytime it hurts but i never once tell the men dat i've been with dat im hurt with wat they did to me. i just told them..."I'm fine and u don't need to worry about me because i'm strong than any woman u've dated with (with a big smile on my face)"..."don't need to worry about me because as long as ur happy, i'm happy!"...it kills me when i said those words...but i rather see them happy with someone they've chosen..besides, i can't force someone to love me...it's just wrong.

everytime i'm sad, i will seek my friends to mend everything. they make me laugh and forget about the bitterness...well, life's too short for us not to enjoy it. now, i'm livin my life just like a rockstar! hehe....

i swear i'll never fall in love again!

...it happen again...

mr. A shows who he is...he is a player...i jez texted him about it. i was shocked to find a picture of him with the girl that he says he did not have feelings with. he lied to me and he didn't tell me about it not until i found out in his facebook page that he went with the girl. i tink he sleeps with her because he didn't allow me to go to his room...is der any decent man out there? is lying that good? he said that he hates lies...well that ruined a relationship...

WANTED: friends...

...last night, i talked to Mr. G., he has a lot of problems...he told me that his phone went to the lake for a shower. the pregnant lady threw it...he lost all his contacts. he was very surprised that i called him. usually, when i call him, he will say "Hello, aunty...Eugenia...Mak Cik"...but last night...it was "HELLO?"...then i said to him, "o my God, u deleted my number?"...then he told me about his phone...it's actually his second phone down into the drain...i felt sorry for him. it was all because of the text between me and him that cause him trouble. it's true, im not over him yet...he asked me to curse him, then i told him "what for? is it going to help u and me? if i curse you, it is not going to help me and you...it's enough of what you are facing now." then he keeps on saying sorry as he lets me wait for him...i did not wait for him. i just wanted to make sure that he's okay so that i can move on. i really do love him...how can i move on when he needs support and a shoulder to cry on. i've been lying to myself about my feelings and Mr. A.

...between me and Mr. A., we have feelings that we kept only to ourselves. i dont really like dat...it's like a secret relationship. whenever people asked me about him, i would just say "we're friends...close friends, nothing more"...i am happy whenever he's with me, but something tells me that he's been acting differently lately...he has this cold shoulder when im with him. whenever i call him and he missed it, he usually returns my call...but now, it's not like dat...he just text me...m goin to sleep.luv u.muah....he keeps on denying it when i say dat he acts differently. i feel the heartache...it's my fault to let him down when we had the talk and my drunk ass...makes it difficult more...sometimes, i just wanted to be more normal...cry whenever i want to cry...but i cant! i feel hurt but couldnt let it out...i really hate the things that im facing now...it's not what i wish for and i feel like running away...starting a new chapter...but seriously, im really tired of it...

we all know about our friends' characters...they are there when u need them the most. that is true friends. they will not let you down. i need a shoulder to cry on...whenever i detox myself...my friends are there to keep me occupied...seriously, they are the ones who made me stand tall and make myself better...friends are hard to comeby, so appreciate them... :) love my friends!

...dealing with things by talking...

...it is always a good idea to talk to ur partner about things. then both of u can understand each other well enough and plus its a good way to start ur new relationship and bring it to the new level. that's wat i thought it would be...hehe...

we always talk, me n my boyfriend, we talk things about the past, present and sometimes future...i really love that but then my mind wanders...i opened a very sensitive issues...about our relationship not being serious. i shouldn't have done that...i feel guilty. i kept on saying sorry to him. after the talk, both of us, feel awkward. i feel funny at the same time...i went to the club where he and his band hang out...it feels lyk it's the first time we met. he tried to kiss me, but i avoid...i dunno why the hell did i do that...it is pretty funny...then after the club, we went for supper and he brought his cousin along. he told his cousin that we've broken up and his cousin did not believe it (that's wat he said)...i was shocked to hear it when i did not even know that we've broken up...and as far as i know i did not say that i was giving up. i was very sad that i could not afford to smile as i used to when im sad...im so sad...4 REAL.

he asked me to come to the lobby to hangout with the friends...then i asked for what (which is very stupid question)...then through his facial expression, i know that he is very dissapointed. then i said..."oh, hangout in the lobby is ok but not in ur room...bcoz i thought ur asking me to come to ur room"... then i gave my very best grin...hehe...the reason being i i said that was because i thought that we' ve broken up...well, im makin an ass out of myself...then we hangout eat some fruits then he brought me to his room and massage me...hurm...his good in giving massages...i feel lyk sleeping but i can't...huhu...my parents would kill me immediately. he send me to my car and we kiss... twice! hehe...i just let the time to decide things...at the same time, eyeing for some more...no one can predict any future...but i wouldn't regret to spend my life with him as he is nice... :) but not too nice...and not dat hot either... :(

Guilty as Charged...

day by day...it's worsening. we have walls between us...i dunno whether i can survive this...he has spoken the truth but still i am hurt...should i just back off? im sure it will not hurt him because he has more than one woman to comfort him. the way he talked about her, it is like he really loves this woman n wish that he could be with her. i dun wan to be in their way. bit by bit, im havin a hard time to let him go. things arent goin easy for me. everytime, there must be sumtin that gets in my way and i gave up most of the time. i hav no confidence and i hav no one to turn to...hear me lord, stop making me meeting someone. i feel guilty and never innocent in this situation.

Mr. G called this morning and he told me that he misses me. we talked over the phone for a while. my prayers have been answered as he din win the CLEO thingy...hehe. oooopppsss...naughty me. when we talked, it feels lyk a fren who has not been calling for a long time. i never thought that he really means wat he said. i din miss him for a bit as i get my hands occupied for now. Mr. A thought that i miss him but actually my mind is thinking about a lot of things...him.

...trust...

...yesterday was a friend of mine bday. it was not that fun when things turn to be ugly. i love him...but i did not reach out to him. he told me that he loves me FOR REAL. im not sure dat whether b4 this does he loves me for real...he got drunk...i escorted him to his room and he talked to me as he is sane. he expressed his feelings again...and yup...talks bout marriage. i wonder wat will he do if i say i will...or I DO? i din respond, i just said stop babbling and ur talking nonsense as ur drunk. then he opened his eyes and said "im drunk and i still can remember everything i said." it was a downhill for me...i just happen to know that his new gf was there. i felt embarrassed...i do. i asks myself wat does she has that i dont have...it is sad, but its partly my fault as i din spent more time wit him. and went to kl after three days meeting him. n he kept on blaming himself...

i really like him and love him. its just that trust matters to both of us. maybe i just din give him a chance to prove himself. i will try it, by all means, accept him so that i can trust him. we'll see how it goes. fighting! Jia You!

...yesterday's events....

...yesterday was a very clear day and fine weather, i must say. I went out wit Mr. A, we talked about things, his future...my future...his past and my past...and 1 fact that made me opened my eyes...my eyeballs were about to popped out...but its OK. it's my fault to be far from him...he dun trust me and for sure neither do i...n whenever he utters the word 'love'...i replied every time but the feelings not there...its true, it's hard to accept ur other half when u dun trust him/her.

he told me about his feelings last nite. it made me feel weird n quirky. i must say i enjoyed the time spent together. we held each others hands while walking...i never had that moment before...all of my ex told me dat its an embarrassment to hold hands in public...i told him dat i tink i mite fall for him, but then again i tink it's too soon to say so...i never expected him to express his feelings to me...a very simple girl whom i dun really know myself dat well, unless people tell me so. i dun ave the looks, i dun ave a great skin and im nobody...

im looking for a long-term r/ship and not just a scandal...but everything is too good to be true. every time im looking for the ugly ones to be wit, there's owez the one who has the good looks and women all over them...who wanted to be wit me...i just dun understand sometimes. i wanted some thing simple and nothing special...and every time i get a huge package. it doesn't help me dat much...people told me dat im too young to think about this, but im not getting any younger...i tink my nitemare is coming true...go ahead n shoot me...

my students....

they are such a darling...every single day, i have to put something interesting to teach them...every day, i think about them. then today, i thought of them because im not teaching anymore...huhu...i miss their attitude. always "hey ya, dun want la teacher...hey ya, so many...teacher i want to see my boyfren..." do they think about me when another teacher is teaching them?

does it matter?

sometimes i wonder wats life without my 'prince charming'? how would he look like? is he a nice person...can he be my 'friend' too at the same time? it seems like he will never come...mr.g obviously ran away oready...and mr. A is still in an open relationship. so, im still searching for the one...i wonder would he be thinking about me too rite now? i mean my 'prince charming'...does it matter if i dun hav anyone in the end? does it matter if i wan to be a single mother? does it matter raising ur child solo? everything does matter nowadays...i should stop thinking about men and focus more on myself...fighting!

2 is better than 1?

...when u read the headline of this post, u must've thought about one of the song from boys like girls...i dun really understand the song...is it about two lovers being one? or is it about two boyfrens are better than 1? well, i prefer to have two than one...in searching for the ONE, u must open up and tell them the truth...now, i'm not really sure about my status...in a relationship or not? mr. g wanted me back and we talked about US... i told him about a man who entered my life recently that is mr. A...who was once married and now has separated wit his wife...mr. A is a very nice man, he made me feel happy when i lose mr. g the other day....mr. g and mr. A are very different person. there is a vast differences between these two men...mr. g says im not pretty and im not attractive at all whereas mr. A says that im very beautiful and sexy...some guys just say this to get into the girl's pants but its different with mr. A...when he talks or say stuff to me...he would just look into my eyes and i can feel that he really meant it...but i just get the feeling that he does the same to other women...but im not really sure...mr. g is struggling wit the pregnant lady...STILL. eversince mr. A entered my life...i feel like im worth millions...i dun need mr. g to make me feel secure...i just need my self-confidence and trust my self in doing things...mr. A taught me how to appreciate life. the other day, i invited him to a friend of mine open house...whenever people ask about US...he just said "yeah, we're lovers..." i was shocked but i felt good...and at the same time happy. i must admit that i cried a lot for mr. g that month but eversince i met mr. A...he makes me laugh and smile a lot...i really like him. cant believe im saying dis...but its true. if only mr. g can see that i still have feelings for him...but i dun tink he can...he wanted the time to heal everything...but i dun see any effort being put in...does he really mean it when he wants me back? im still hurt on wat he did to me...but i just say that im fine...i dun wan to complain...i'll just see how it goes. :) mr. A...arigato-gozaimasu!

...i dun really care

life's hard nowadays...when u really want something, it goes away all of a sudden...when u oready forgotten about the pain n move on...it comes back to u...u really tried very hard to keep it safe and protect it from all the dangers or obstacles as u mite say it...it slips rite in front of ur very eyes...things just dun last forever in my life. so, im goin to stay happy means not gettin hurt anymore...gudbye g, t, c etc...life's tough but if a guy cant appreciate wat u gave them, Lose them...i dun tink i deserve to be treated like this. soon, im goin to change my number again...for the 100th times...i couldnt bear the burden anymore...i know it hurts so bad and i just opened my eyes dat ol of them are useless to me...thans for everythin...as i dun really care wat u tink bout me...

he is lying...

i think he is lying to me...he told me about he got another pregnant...it's all just a lie...y cant he jez tell it straight to my face dat he doesnt want to be wit me...the end of story. sometimes, i wonder y he did dis to me...did i do something dat is so very wrong and he decided dat bein wit me is a mistake? dat is the last for me to eat back his words....i shud not trust him. he's just an ordinary guy...n nutin more...i tot he was different but he's not...he's just the usual guy who likes to play with ladies' feelin. i owez tot dat a guy like him to be loyal is just too good to be true...n i'm rite...he is just a BIG BASTARD who likes to lie. Sue's rite...i shud hate him...

i still cant get over him...

the flashbacks of my memory with him still haunts me...my god, i really want to get over him. the words that he owez says to me...lasnite, i still remember the words that he says about wanted to have a future wit me...i duno whether he is just kidding bout dat...but i did take it seriously. the first day dat we met after a long break...he told me dat he wanted me back...i asked him..."are u ever goin to leave me again?"...i tink i knew the answer but i just give it a try...he promised dat he'll never leave me....but it's just a promise...i sang a song to him by Kelly Clarkson...'already gone'...i never tot he listens to the lyrics....i guess its true because "...we were owez meant to say goodbye..."...it's just not our fate...i have to deal wit it sooner or later...i know it's goin to take months...but i have to...i dun tink he's worth it. Figthing!!! JiaYou!

....ex again...?

well...here's my new year....i'm tryin to lead a very simple n i tink normal life...but then...my ex wanted to get back wit me...i tot dat we wil be together for a very long period of time...then, sumtin came up and we decided to go on wit our lives separately...i owez tot dat havin ur ex back wit u is sum kind of stupid thing to do...very stupid. new year has been ruined by my stupid decision. i hope he's doin great and i dun wan to see him agen...and if i ever bump into him agen, i'll pretend to hav amnesia. so much for wanting me back and dumping me agen. so...freeugenia...does dat mean i'm free? i'm never free... :(